From: Nat Friedman <nat@nat.org>
To: party goers <nat@nat.org>
Subject: I wish that I were as happy as others appear to be.

LIST OF RELATIVELY COMMON WORDS WHOSE DEFINITIONS I HAVE NEVER
BOTHERED TO LOOK UP THOUGH I HAVE SEEN THESE WORDS MANY TIMES IN
THINGS THAT I HAVE READ AND EACH TIME HAVE FELT SOMEWHAT INADEQUATE
AND EMBARASSED IN MY IGNORANCE:

    1. abasement
    2. opine
    3. mendacious
    4. threnody
    5. inculcate
    6. abjure

LIST OF WAITRESSES AT ALGIERS COFFEE HOUSE ON BRATTLE STREET IN
HARVARD SQUARE WHOSE NAMES I HAVE NOT YET LEARNED:

    1. The thin, black-haired girl from Bulgaria who looks as though
       she could be the wistful main character of a dark European film
       about loss and hopelessness, in which it is always raining.

    2. The tall woman with the hardened features and the long brown
       hair, usually wearing a loose-fitting white shirt, whose
       eastern European accent I cannot precisely place and whose
       general demeanor is guarded and distant enough that I always
       get the sense that I am imposing when I place my order.

    3. The friendly Girl Next Door with shoulder-length hair who
       half smiles whenever you order anything and who always seems to
       feel slightly out of place.

    4. Beth, whose boyfriend owns a Jaguar and whose name I have known
       since practically the first time she brought me coffee, and who
       probably doesn't work there anymore but who must be listed
       anyway since she is so fabric-of-space-and-time-ripping
       beautiful.

LIST OF THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE PARTY THAT WE WILL BE HOSTING
AT OUR APARTMENT EARLY NEXT MONTH:

    1. It is not another "gay sex" party.

    2. It will take place on the sixteenth of June.
				   
    3. It is not what you would call a "gay sex" party.

    4. The festivities will begin at 8pm.

    5. Please do not call it a "gay sex" party.

    6. You are invited to join us in raucous merriment.

    7. The rumors that this is some kind of "gay sex" party are
       unfounded and libelous.

    8. You are welcome to bring as many of your friends as have
       nothing better to do and are willing to come with you to some
       "gay sex" party.

    9. We are taking pains not to bill this as a "gay sex" party.

LIST OF THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD BRING TO THE AFOREMENTIONED EVENT IN
ORDER NOT TO BE LAUGHED AT OR OTHERWISE OSTRACIZED BY THE OTHER
INDIVIDUALS PRESENT:

    1. An empty brown paper bag on which you have written the words

                          ILLEGAL DRUGS

       in a creatively chosen and clearly visible color of Crayola
       crayon.  Choose a color whose Crayola name evokes a sense of
       hidden power and mystery that captivated you as a child
       (c.f. "burnt sienna," "midnight blue" or "chartreuse."  You may
       not use any of these colors.).

    2. A traditional dish as it is prepared in the country of your
       ethnic origin.  If you are uncertain of your ethnic origin, you
       may open an atlas and select a country at random to serve as
       your surrogate homeland for the evening.  Substitute a spinning
       globe for an atlas if an atlas is not available.  If neither a
       spinning globe nor an atlas is available, select your mother
       country from the following list:

            a. Nepal
            b. Micronesia
            c. Trinidad and Tobago

    3. Your naturally sharp wit and youthful ebullience.

    4. Hot chicks.

LIST OF THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT BRING TO THE AFOREMENTIONED EVENT UNLESS
YOUR INTENTION IS TO BE PHYSICALLY EJECTED AND UNCONDITIONALLY BARRED
FROM THE PROCEEDINGS:

    1. Any animal that has been dead longer than six hours.  For the
       purposes of this mail, turtles will be considered as animals.

    2. An interest in engaging in lengthy conversations on any of the
       following topics:

            a. The recent economic upheaval in Turkey.

            b. The trial of Timothy McVeigh.

            c. The declining state of the NASDAQ.

            d. The declining state of NASCAR.

            e. The bizarre ascension of the bowling shoe as a somewhat
               unlikely icon of high fashion, which sartorial
               phenomenon has precipitated the theft of thousands of
               the smelly, fungus-infested footwear from bowling
               alleys across the country.

    3. Circus clowns.  We're fucking serious about this.

LIST OF WAYS TO TRANSPORT YOURSELF TO THE AFOREMENTIONED EVENT:

    1. Take the "T" to the St. Mary's stop on the C part of the Green
       Line.  Collect your belongings and exit through the open doors.
       Do not attempt to exit through any closed door.  We are at 1033
       Beacon Street, apartment two.  The password is "assbarn."

    2. Take a taxi to our apartment.  Ask the driver how he likes
       living in Boston.  Does he find the people friendly?  And how
       does he like the weather?  We are at 1033 Beacon Street,
       apartment two.  The password is "assbarn."

    3. Drive to our apartment.  If you are coming from Cambridge, take
       the BU bridge over the river.  You will pass through an
       intersection across Commonwealth Avenue.  Veer to the left.
       The road curves right and you will pass a 7-11 with a green
       storefront where a heavyset Haitian man with a strange habit of
       talking to himself while he mops and a violent temper works the
       register.  It says "Christy's" on the front, but this store is
       owned and operated by 7-11.  Do not be fooled.  Beacon Street
       is the next major intersection.  Turn right onto Beacon.  You
       can park in any of the diagonal-parallel parking spaces on your
       left.  If you are not coming from Cambridge, you will have to
       figure it out on your own, as I cannot help you through every
       little "life crisis."  We are at 1033 Beacon Street, apartment
       two.  The password is "assbarn."

    4. There is ample room on the roof of our apartment to land a
       small helicopter.  Be sure to put the chopper in "whisper mode"
       to avoid detection by the CIA and NSA, who monitor your every 
       movement through the use of geostationary satellites and
       advanced "keyhole visual tasking" techniques, and whose agents
       are everywhere.  Take care to avoid the many chimneys that
       populate our roof.  We are at 1033 Beacon Street, apartment
       two.  The password is "assbarn."

LIST OF WAYS THAT YOU CAN FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THE AFOREMENTIONED
EVENT:
    
    1. Join our mailing list!  Send a mail to
       gay-sex-party-request@assbarn.com with the word "subscribe" in
       the subject.  Once you're subscribed, you can mail the list by
       writing to gay-sex-party@assbarn.com.

    2. If you have questions about our dress code, your personal
       hygiene, or the recent economic upheaval in Turkey, you may
       call Jacob Berkman on his cell phone, which we wish that you
       would stop referring to as the "gay sex party hotline."
       Jacob's number is 617.XYZ.ABCD.  Jacob would love to hear from
       you.

This event is brought to you by the residents of The Lucky Cave, in
association with Assbarn Industries, Ltd.